Guilty all the Time

I am trying to become more aware of when I am feeling guilty and what it is that triggers feelings of guilt for me. It is not easy, because I feel guilty almost all the time for almost everything. I feel guilty if I stay up too late, I feel guilty if I sleep too long, I feel guilty if I eat junk food or too much food, I feel guilty if my house isn't spotless, or if I ask my kids to do something they don't want to do. I feel guilty when I run out of money and my children ask me for some. I feel guilty about my weight, because it has impacted the things I can do with my children. I feel guilty for not being a better provider for my family. I feel guilty about spending too much time at the computer, or of I spend money on myself instead of using it for the children. I have this nagging feeling, I can't call it a thought because it has no words, it is just a feeling that loiters in my brain, and it makes me feel like I have done something wrong. You know how you felt when you were a child and you got into the cookie jar before dinner, or you broke your grandma's favorite plate, and you were too afraid to tell her, so you tried to hide the broken pieces? I feel that way almost all the time. Oh, I feel guilty so much, it has come to feel normal to me, so I decided to think of the times that I don't feel guilty.

One of the more recent times I remember not feeling guilty was when I was working as a truck driver. I quit driving in September of 1995, so it is not really that recent, but anyway, I was driving long haul and I was only home for a couple of days every two weeks. I had tremendous guilt about not being there with my two year old son, Tate, about the postpartum depression I had gone through that sent me out on the road in the first place, and about my husband who was working full time and taking care of Tate while I was away all the time. Add to that the fact that we were trying to get our bills paid off, so I tried not to spend money on anything unless it was vital. Well, the bag I kept all of my clothes and toiletries in was falling apart, and I needed to get a new one, but guilt about spending money kept me from getting one. Finally my co-driver said to me that I was making the money, I should at least be able to spend a little bit of it on myself. Because I had been given "permission," I was able to buy the bag without feeling bad about it. And that is one of the rare times I remember not feeling guilt.