Children

Having children is something that creates a lot of guilt for women, and whether we have children or not, we end up feeling guilty. Procreation is a very strong instinct, but often family and society pressure women. Women are made to feel like they are letting people down if they don't provide their parents with grandchildren. The need is often impressed on them by inlaws to keep the family line going. And if they have only girls, the pressure is there to have a boy in order to carry on the family name. Society paits a picture of motherhood as something every woman must experience in order to be truly fulfilled, and childless women are often looked upon with pity by mothers, and society in general.

There are women out there who have chosen to pursue careers instead of having a family. I think they are very strong, because they have been able to shrug off all the guilt cast their way in order to do what they wanted.

Of course, there are those women who are hard wired to be moms, and I give them their props too, because motherhood is not as easy as television makes it look, and all the babysitting in the world can not prepare it for you either.

I am not worried about discouraging someone from having a baby by what I am about to say, because if you want to have a baby, nothing anybody says will deter you from it. But for those of you who are not sure whether you want to be mommies, or you are feeling pressured by your husband or your family, please take all the facts into consideration.

If you are not married yet, make sure that you and your boyfriend or fiancee are on the same page as far as children go. I know someone who never had a big desire to be a mother, but had two children because her husband wanted them. Now, she is a wonderful mother, but she feels that personally she was happier before the children came along.

Being a mother means that you are can't put yourself first anymore. That baby comes first, even when it comes to going to the bathroom. I can remember breastfeeding my oldest son while I was going to the bathroom so that he would not wake his father up (his father was working the night shift back then.) If you think it is easy to hold a 9 month old baby to your breast while you wipe yourself, think again.

I also have a friend who had a baby when her first daughter was 15 years old. Before the baby was even a year old, her oldest daughter announced that she would never have any children, that the baby grossed her out on a daily basis, and that she would get her tubes tied as soon as she possibly could. I did not know what to say at the time, but if I'd had time to think about it, I would have told her not to take such a permenant step too soon, because they are only infants for a short period of time, and once they are a little older, they can be really awesome little people.

But I was talking about not having children, wasn't I? Okay, I was in no way prepared for the amount of myself I lost when Tate was born. I also could not take the lack of sleep, since he screamed to be nursed every single hour. I felt like I was in a hole, and I did not see any light. My novel, Morning Star goes into great detail about the postpartum depression, so I won't get into that so much here. Once kids get bigger though, be prepared to have everything you ever loved broken or spilled on or scratched. If you have any things that you don't want ruined, I say put them in storage until your kids are grown and on their own. My boys were like a demolition team. It makes me sick when I think of the things they broke and photographs they ruined. And of course, I bought them clothes before I bought anything for myself, so I would end up running around in grungy sweat pants in order to keep up with their growth spurts. For a while, Tate went up a size in shoes every two or three months.

Kids will also cause you a ton of embarrassment. One time, when Tate was a year old, I was in line at the grocery store, and Tate got into my purse, pulled out an Always pad, and threw it so that it landed at the feet of the man behind me in line. I could have died. They will also blurt out things at the most inappropriate times.

I guess the bottom line is, kids are expensive, they are dirty, they often don't smell very good, they break all your stuff, they keep you up at night and they get you up early in the mornings. Children will have tantrums and talk back. They will create tons of work for you, from changing diapers to sweeping up broken dishes. They will embarrass you, they will drive you up a wall, and they will cost you a ton of guilt, worrying if you are raising them right, or sure you have done everything wrong.

There are so many things that people owe to themselves before they start having children. Go to college. With the Pell Grants available, even those of us who have very low incomes can go to college. If you don't think it is within your means, just look into it. Also, do some travelling, go to some concerts, see some Broadway shows, audition for some Broadway shows, whatever your dreams are, explore them before you have children so that you don't end up resenting your children for keeping you from your dreams.

So I just want to say to women out there that it is okay not to have children. It really is okay not to have children. If you don't want to procreate, don't let anybody pressure you into it. If you are really sure about it, then make sure your partner knows about it before the wedding vows are said. If you are not 100% sure whether you want children or not, then just leave your options open, and be at least 90% sure before you get pregnant. I say 90% because I think that there are always going to be small reservations for some people.